Ask Mr. Right (Wing)

We’ve created an automated supercomputer that reads your questions and offers the kind of compassionately conservative advice America needs. And, at a time when human freedom is on the march, Mr. Right (Wing) is completely human free! But fear not, Mr. Right (Wing) offers the same heartless responses you can expect from today’s leading human right-wingers.

This week, Mr. Right (Wing) answers questions about beer, Facebook, bacon, bus fare, dating, and laundry!

Sometimes there’s beer left over in the kegs after a party but it always goes flat within a couple of days. How do bars keep their beer fresh? Do I have to buy a special tap? It blows to waste beer.

We strongly support the concept of a single rate, flat tax, and we work to reduce the number of times the same money is taxed.

I’m spending all my time these days on MySpace and Facebook. I’ve started missing class, I’m not keeping up with my reading, and I don’t shower as much. Also, I’m starting to meet people in person that I first met online, and the experiences have mostly been, well, gross. But I’m hypnotized by these networking sites. What should I do?

Lower taxes and greater investment will help this economy expand. More jobs mean more taxpayers, and higher revenues to our government. The best way to address the deficit and move toward a balanced budget is to encourage economic growth, and to show some spending discipline in Washington, D.C.

How long can you keep pre-cooked bacon in the refrigerator? It seems like it would last a long time.

Global warming has yet to be supported by fully-vetted scientific evidence. Environmentalists and alarmist researchers have been promoting junk science for a long time, and it is simply scaring the American people. Though we must take environmental concerns seriously, the Kyoto Protocol is fatally flawed and would not effectively lower the rates of CO2 emissions. Moreover, it is morally unsound to hold developing nations to wholly different environmental standards than other developed economies. And, it was unseasonably cold this winter.

Everyday on my ride to work, there is a guy who gets on at my stop and climbs onto the back of the bus when the doors open so he doesn’t have to pay his fare. The driver never notices. It bothers me that most of us have to pay to travel to and from work everyday and he just mooches, but I’m not sure if it’s any of my business. Should I say something?

Large numbers of immigrants, legal and many illegal, travel across the United States border each year. It’s abundantly clear that the United States doesn’t have the technical wherewithal nor the personnel resources to do a thorough background check on everyone entering the country. That is why we need to secure our borders. Furthermore, undocumented immigrants take jobs away from good hard-working American taxpayers. This is an indisputable fact. They create a tremendous burden on the nation’s health and education infrastructure and something must be done.

I am in my first serious college relationship. The problem is that my parents are Indian and fairly traditional and only want me to date and marry Indian boys. My current boyfriend is a blond guy from the Midwest . I’m too scared to broach the subject with my parents but we’ve been dating for six months now and it is getting ridiculous. How should I raise the subject?

Let’s be honest with ourselves. Working-class parents are simply not preparing their children for a world in which verbal skills and the ability to thrive in organizations have become so important. Today’s rich don’t exploit the poor; they just outcompete them. Certainly we need to provide the occasional helping hand to worse-off parents , like through the earned-income tax credit, but they also need to take initiative. Part of that initiative could best be manifested through a voucher system that embraced school choice while ending the government’s iron-fisted monopoly on education. Competing with Toyota didn’t hurt GM and it certainly didn’t hurt consumers, the same could apply here.

On numerous occasions this semester I have returned to the laundry room to find that articles of my clothing are missing from the wash. Someone is stealing my clothes! Should I spend hours in the laundry room watching my clothes spin around to detect and prevent these incidents, or should I just accept the thefts as a way of life?

My predecessors have used the same constitutional authority on numerous occasions . And the Supreme Court has ruled that Congress gave the President additional authority to use the traditional tools—or “fundamental incidents”—of war in the fight against terror when Congress passed the authorization for the use of military force in 2001. These tools include surveillance to detect and prevent further attacks by our enemies. I have the authority, both from the Constitution and the Congress, to undertake this vital program.

Want more advice from Mr. Right (Wing)? Check out our previous installment. (OK, it was a year ago. The thing was in the shop, and then got lost in shipping.) Or get personalized advice: Send your questions to editor@campusprogress.org with “Ask Mr. Right (Wing)” on the subject line.

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