Ask Mr. Right (Wing)

We’ve created an automated supercomputer that reads your questions and offers the kind of compassionately conservative advice America needs. And, at a time when human freedom is on the march, Mr. Right (Wing) is completely human free! But fear not, Mr. Right (Wing) offers the same heartless responses you can expect from today’s leading human right-wingers.

This week, Mr. Right (Wing) answers questions about iPods, boyfriends, hiking gear, and more!

My iPod was humming along, but last night it froze up, and I held down the two buttons and the apple appeared but then it froze again, and I can’t reformat because my PC doesn’t recognize there’s an iPod plugged in anymore. How do I fix?

The Iraqis I’ve heard from have a great desire for freedom. The businesses will flourish in Iraq. Apples and pomegranates will grow where earth was once scorched. Iraqis have got a great entrepreneurial spirit. They’re good business people. And, of course, we want to help.

I am going on my first camping trip with my boyfriend and his friends in the rugged Rocky Mountains next weekend. They are all total gearheads and I want to come prepared and not pester them with a million questions. I am trying to decide between a down sleeping bag and a synthetic one. Which would you pick?

The rugged American landscape is certainly a national treasure. But as our nation expands and our needs expand in kind, we must prioritize and consider the energy needs of our growing country. A balanced energy policy is critical to keep the United States competitive in the new millennium. In addition to rigorously pursuing scientific research into renewables, we will also open up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for oil exploration.

I’m text-messaging you this from my car. I drove off the Taylor Avenue bridge and I’m underwater and the car is filling up with water. Please help!

Full sovereignty will give Iraqis a direct stake in the success of their own government. Iraqis will know that when they build a school or repair a bridge, they’re not working for the Coalition Provisional Authority, they are working for themselves.

I transferred colleges in the middle of my sophomore year. Academically, I am very happy with the decision. Socially, my situation leaves a lot to be desired. I am fine talking in class, but at parties I kind of clam up. Plus, at a school where beer pong is seemingly the official sport, my teetotaling ways are problematic. Any suggestions to get into the groove of campus social life?

Social Security is a tremendous problem facing young people – we are approaching a crisis that could result in dramatically higher taxes, massive borrowing and severe cuts in Social Security benefits or other government programs. The solution rests in our markets – with personal retirement accounts younger workers will have the freedom to invest in a mix of bond and stock funds. Reforming and improving Social Security will not be easy, but with courage and honesty, we will succeed.

I love that Johnny Cash song “A Boy Named Sue,” but I can’t find it. Which CD is it on?

America’s litigation system is the world’s most expensive. We will work to reduce frivolous securities fraud class actions. Congress should enact bankruptcy reform, a long-standing business priority. And in response to the explosion of lawyer-driven litigation against food companies, we support legislation that would prevent frivolous “obesity” lawsuits. Bottom line: How will business executives have enough cash if people sue them all the time? We do, however, believe in multiple lawsuits against students who don’t pay their credit card fees or who download music instead of buying CDs.

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