Free Markets and Free Sandwiches

Lessons learned over a lunch buffet at the Heritage Foundation.

By Sky Andrecheck, University of Illinois

Last week, I had the not-so-pleasant task of heading to the Heritage Foundation to check out the release of their new “Dependency Index,” designed to tell us how an ever-expanding big government is making us lazy and undermining the very foundation of freedom and democracy in the United States. While hearing this kind of presentation didn’t seem like the makings of a fun afternoon, I was excited to hear that lunch would be served following the event.

While waiting for the grub, I was treated to a panel that included remarks from Senator Jim DeMint (R-SC) and columnist George Will. Their conservative rhetoric was laughable at times: apparently government spending on things such as higher education, medical care, retirement security and disaster relief has brought us to a “tipping point that endangers the working of our democracy.” According to the Heritage view, programs such as these are detrimental because they are making us too dependent on the government. Even aside from their twisted view of democracy and seeming desire to remove any safety net for regular Americans, their assertion that government is growing rapidly was undermined by the fact that as a percentage share of GDP, government expenditures on these “democracy-opposing” social programs has hardly changed at all since the Reagan era.

However, the real excitement came when the event ended and the endless stream of short-haired, suit-clad young Republicans came out to the buffet table. After getting myself riled up over their bogus index, I had worked up a decent appetite, and judging from the exquisite décor inside the Heritage Foundation, I figured I would at least be in for a pretty good lunch. However, to my surprise, halfway through the line, the once plentiful buffet table had dwindled to a meager few sandwiches.

Come to think of it, I was surprised that these conservatives would take the food at all. I could still hear the words of Senator DeMint ringing in my ears, telling me that when people are dependent on food stamps and subsidized school lunches, they become helpless. Yet when these wealthy conservatives were offered a free lunch, they seemed to have no problem loading up their plates. Shouldn’t they be more self-reliant, rather than taking a handout? “Uncle Sam is becoming a ‘sugar daddy’ for those who want to sit back and take handouts,” said the South Carolinian Senator. Now these supposedly self-supporting Republicans were depending on their own “sugar daddy” (quite literally, judging from the massive, hubcap-sized chocolate chip cookies).

When I finally got to the front of the line, the selection was waning. I was hungry and the sandwiches were small, but the line behind me was long, and being considerate, I only took one. “I will go a little hungry to give those with a less fortunate place in line a chance to eat,” I thought to myself. “Surely, they would do the same for me.” How wrong I was. The shrinking supply of sandwiches made the young Republicans simply pile their plates even higher with the freeloaded grub – with no regard at all for those behind who may get nothing.

The Heritage Foundation’s slogans of a free market fueled only by competition and a new ownership society were still buzzing around my head and soon it all became clear. These people had rightfully earned their place in line and now the sandwiches were theirs for the taking. Why leave any for those too lazy and helpless to get in line faster? Doing so would only encourage their slothful lunch-getting behavior. It would be undermining the fundamental principles of freedom and democracy to allow those lazy, slow-to-get-out-of–their-seats good for nothings to become complacent and dependent on others’ generosity for food.

Had I been savvier, I would have taken extra sandwiches and sold them to the back of the line. It’s a free market economy, after all, and I should be rewarded for having the competitive drive to get a good place in line. Alas, I thought that all people should get a fair chance at the buffet – how foolish I was. However, as I stopped off to buy some pizza on my way back to the office, I remembered that I would always rather be a hungry yet compassionate liberal than have all the freeloaded Heritage sandwiches in the world.

Sky Andrecheck is a student at the University of Illinois. He is in his second year of a Master’s program in Statistics.

 
Illustration: Matt Bors

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