Grade This! - April 15, 2005

The weekly wrap-up with Bolton’s mood disorders, Wal-Mart’s delusions of grandeur, impaling the judiciary, a baby wolphin and more.

Schwartz the Impaler

In all the brouhaha over the “Confronting the Judicial War on Faith” conference, the most horrific anecdote has gone overlooked. Sure, it was no good that such luminaries of moral thought as Alan Keyes declared, “The judiciary is the focus of evil in our society today.” And certainly we have no reason to be pleased that James Dobson compared the Ku Klux Klan and the Supreme Court. And by now we’ve all heard the disturbing tale of the attorney who made an allusion to Stalin’s quote, “Death solves all problems: no man, no problem.” But little has been said about the comments of Michael Schwartz, chief of staff of Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn. Schwartz , as reported in The Nation, declared “I’m a radical! I’m a real extremist. I don’t want to impeach judges. I want to impale them!”

America ’s Judiciary: B-
The Rule of Law: A
Calling Judges Evil: D
Implying They Should Die: F
Saying It Explicitly: Getting Fired by Your Senator Boss (what about it, Senator?)

Matt Singer, University of Montana

 

I am the (Mean) Walrus

Everyone remembers the neighborhood bully growing up. Most bullies grow out of this stage, but it appears President Bush’s nominee for UN Ambassador, John Bolton, missed that critical maturation period – or else became a bully later in life, once he had the power. In fact, judging from testimony by former employees and coworkers, Bolton might well deserve to be crowned as the biggest jerk inside the beltway. Carl W. Ford Jr., a former assistant secretary for intelligence and research at the State Department, and a self-described conservative Republican who admires Bush and Cheney and agrees with Bolton on the issues, gave the most vivid and disturbing testimony on Bolton to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. He claimed Bolton is a “serial abuser,” a ‘’quintessential kiss-up, kick-down sort of guy,” who treats co-workers like ‘’an 800-pound gorilla devouring a banana,” and "abuses his authority with little people." Ford and others said Bolton is known for ‘’tirades,’’ ‘’finger-shaking’’ and getting ‘’red in the face.’’ He reportedly called one employee a ‘’midlevel … munchkin analyst’’ and when Ford retired last year, Bolton called to say, "I’m glad you’re leaving," and hung up on him. Sen. Joe Biden said Bolton, “sought to have removed from their positions officials who disagreed with [his] assessment of critical intelligence matters.” Does Bolton have an undiagnosed mood disorder? Should someone be slipping a cocktail of mood suppressors into his meals? What is hiding behind that mustache? Should there be a special Queer Eye for the UN Guy? Is the world’s largest assembly dedicated to promoting peace in the world ready for the neighborhood bully?

Mood Disorders: C
Office jerks: D
Walrus mustaches: F

Anna Stein, Chicago, Illinois

 

Calling Nanny 911

Parenting 101 should be required in Okeechobee, Florida. A woman was recently arrested for not only forcing her 12-year-old into prostitution, but also for trading her 14-year-old daughter for a Mercury Cougar. Okeechobee County Sheriff’s Office Detective K.J. Ammons reports that the trading partner "never gave the mother the vehicle." The mother was arrested along with the man who promised the Cougar in exchange for her daughter. The youngest daughter is now three months pregnant. Hats off to our lovely Detective Ammons for cracking the case.

Bad Parenting: F
Being Given Away for a Cougar: F-
Okeechobee County Sheriff’s Office Detective Work: A+

Courtney Foley, George Washington University

 

Delusions of Grandeur now available in aisle 7

Though Wal-Mart has over 100 stores in Texas and Florida, it only has three superstores in the state of California, mainly as a result of local unions and other groups protesting and legally challenging Wal-Mart’s abysmal labor practices.  In a recent Fortune article, Wal-Mart CEO Lee Scott is quoted as saying of the efforts to stave off the blue-vest revolution: "The horse-and-buggy industry wasn’t permitted to crush the car … The candle lobby wasn’t allowed to stop electric lights. Ultimately that’s what this debate is all about.”  Oh good, the CEO of Wal-Mart just compared the public need for Wal-Mart to electricity.  Which is even more ironic considering Scott is just fine with Wal-Mart employees not making enough to pay their utility bill.  Not to be outdone, K-Mart will explain it’s relation to indoor plumbing at next month’s board meeting, complete with a presentation on the fall of the Roman empire being a result of great aqueducts but no Blue Light Specials.

Meanwhile, the Maryland legislature has passed a bill requiring all businesses in the state with over 10,000 employees (translated: Wal-Mart) to pay for company health care.  Stay tuned for how this is just like depriving Maryland schoolchildren of drinking water.

Families of Wal-Mart getting basic health care and wages: A+
Wal-Mart CEO Lee Scott’s ethics: F

August Pollak, Campus Progress

 

President Bush gets downright illegal with his new iPod One

Though President Bush is normally firmly shoved into the pockets of corporate interests, not when it means getting some kickin’ tunes. After his daughters bought him an iPod as a gift (welcome to the new millennium, Mr. President!) he quickly set to work filling this little wonder with musical gems. First his assistant downloaded music for the device, including lots of country music, along with musicians such as John Fogerty who, in fact, campaigned against Bush last fall. Things get interesting when Mark McKinnon, the president’s former media strategist and current biking buddy, downloaded a mix of songs from his personal collection on to the President’s iPod. Wait, What?!? One friend giving another friend music from his personal collection is exactly the kind of behavior that the music industry loves to decry as theft. Perhaps the Recording Industry Association of America can go after the President like they have gone after thousands of individual American citizens for downloading music. One final note, one of the songs that President Bush downloaded was the excellent and semi-scandalous “My Sharona” by The Knack, which is about an older man pursuing a much younger woman. The song includes the following lyric: “Such a dirty mind. Always get it up for the touch of the younger kind.” Who is the defender of traditional values now, Mr. President?

Overly zealous copyright protections that serve huge music corporations: D
The vision of President Bush rocking out to 70s pop music on his iPod: B
The idea of the Bush brain trust making each other mixtapes just for fun: B+

Elana Berkowitz , Campus Progress

 

Fungi Eaters in the West Wing?

Forget John, Paul, George and Ringo, Agathidium bushi, Agathidium cheneyi and Agathidium rumsfeldi are the new Beatles, erm, Beetles. That’s right, two entomologists, recently given the task of naming 65 new species of slime-mold beetles, chose to name three of the beetles after President Bush, Vice President Cheney and Defense Secretary Rumsfeld. Slime-mold beetles are so named because they apparently feed off of “fungilike molds.” The scientists say they respect and admire the administration officials and that the beetles were named to honor their work. Would you be honored to be named after an insect that eats mold all day? I certainly wouldn’t. And does that make Condi, Yoko? Or, should I say, Agathidium condi.

For the record, the ever reputable Washington Times was quick to point out that at least two former presidents have plant and animal species named in their honor. A deer, an elk and a lion are named after Teddy Roosevelt, while Honest Abe has a wasp and a rose in his name.

Being named after a beetle: C-
Slime-mold: D
Eating “fungilike mold” all day: F
The Beatles: A

Marcus Mrowka, George Washington University

 

Please excuse us for Warrior, signed The College Republicans

The College Republicans at the University of Connecticut were forced to send over a dozen letters of apology to various campus groups after the fallout from their hosting of Warrior, conservative speaker and former professional wrestler.  Having wrestled in the WWF in the 80’s as “The Ultimate Warrior,” Jim Hellwig retired from the circuit and began a career of conservative motivational speaking after legally changing his name to “Warrior” because he’s totally insane.  Warrior’s presentation, which included a video montage of him ripping apart an Iraqi flag, was met with outrage from campus protest groups, leading to a verbal standoff between students and Warrior, whose insights for the evening included “queering don’t make the world work” and suggestions that an Iranian student “needed to get a towel.”

Seeking to spin their embarrassment around, the College Republicans issued a statement declaring moral superiority for… umm… having to apologize for doing something awful.  Their website states, “We, as UCONN College Republicans, have received no apology from any student who was disruptive during the Warrior’s presentation.  Unlike us, they either do not have the courage or self-respect to say that they too were wrong.  So we dare them to accept the challenge of responsibility that they too bear.  Stand up and admit your mistakes as we have.”  The statement, however, did not continue with “Or are you not MAN enough to face the OVERPOWERING HUMILITY of the College Republicans?  You are WEAK and we will CRUSH YOU just as we’ll crush the Campus Greens in a steel cage Texas Deathmatch, LIVE on Pay-Per-View! OOOOOH YEAH!”

College Republicans owning up to stupid decisions: A+
College Republicans trying to appear superior by bragging about having to apologize: D
Legally changing your name to “Warrior”: incomplete
No, really, he legally changed his name to “Warrior”: WTF?

August Pollak, Campus Progress

 

A Wolphin. It’s pretty much my favorite animal.

Sure, maybe it’s not quite as good as a liger, but now the United States can celebrate yet another wolphin in captivity. What is a wolphin, you might ask? A Wolphin is a mix of a false killer whale and an Atlantic bottlenose dolphin. The Sea Life Park in Honolulu already had a whale-dolphin mix, but now that Wolphin has given birth to another Wolphin which was described in press reports as “playful.” The calf was actually born right before Christmas, but Park officials waited until this week to announce its birth. Compared to purebred dolphins, the new baby wolphin is tremendously large and its skin is a darker grey, veering more towards the black coloring of a false killer whale.

Wolphins: A
Ligers: A +

Elana Berkowitz , Campus Progress

Illustration: August J. Pollak

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