Jesse and Tad’s Excellent Credit Adventures
Could an AmEx card marketed to twentysomethings be any more absurd?
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[Editor’s note: American Express recently launched Zync, a charge card marketed specifically to twentysomethings. Former Campus Progress associate editor Jesse Singal signed up and immediately received the below email, which is reproduced in its entirety.]
Hey Jesse,
How’s it going, bro? Just wanted to quickly introduce myself. My name is Tad Manbro. Right after you signed up for Zync™, AmEx™ took the data you provided—your location, gender, household income, political affiliation, sexual orientation, ten favorite albums, blood type, plus tons of other stuff—to hook you up with me, your Customer Relationship Care Representative and Corporate Opportunity Manager (CRCRCOM™, or Circkrickom™ for short).
A bit about myself: I am in my twenties, I enjoy going out to the newest and coolest bars with my friends, and I have been known to enjoy a good party. I also like sometimes just hanging out with my girlfriend, who, like me, enjoys eating at good, affordable restaurants and obtaining the latest entertainment—including both TV shows and feature-length films—via on-demand streaming video services. You could say I’m just the average American young adult, looking to work hard—but also to play hard!!!!!!!!!
But enough about me. This is about you. Your Consumer Habits and Fun Preferences Survey™ (CHFPS™, or Chafps™ for short) indicates that you enjoy spending your money on food, entertainment, clothes, and transportation. I am thrilled to hear this, as this qualifies you for several Wicked Cool Regional Partner Offers and Entertainments™ (WCRPOE™, or Wickerpoes™ for short)! I can’t emphasize enough how great an opportunity this is for you, as these are not offers I am authorized to offer to most potential offerees. The vast majority of Circkrickoms™ work for years before coming across a Chafpts™ that opens up as many awesome Wickerpoes™ as yours, and I consider myself truly blessed (in a spiritual, friendly-to-all-major-denominations way) to have been assigned to you. Congratulations!
Here are a few of your exclusive Wickerpoes™:
-Facebook™ Fashion Fracas™ (FFF™, or Ffffffff™ for short): I bet you’ve often asked yourself, "How can I combine my desire to buy cool virtual gifts for my friends on Facebook™ with my desire to pick up the latest cool-but-affordable clothing from Old Navy™ and The Gap™?" (God knows I have.) Now you can do just that! Thanks to this exclusive Wickerpoe™, for every ten gifts you buy your friends on Facebook™, Facebook™ will cover 5 percent of your next purchase at Old Navy™ and The Gap™. It’s like giving your friend a gift that itself gives a gift to you—the gift of buying yourself a gift!
-Creative Consumer Contest (CCC™, or Trip-Ceez™ for short): Sure, buying stuff is fun, but we all know there’s more to life. Enroll in Trip-Ceez™ and you can combine your shopping life with your latent, long-suppressed creative talent. Simply buy more than ten items that appear on our list of approved brands within a one-week period, and then write a short story (10,000 words or more) that mentions each item you bought. Every week we will pick a new winner and give them 20 percent off their next purchase of one of the items on the list.
For example, you could pen a masterpiece that starts like this: "It was a Tuesday morning and Rachel and I were trying to get over the awkward break-up. She stumbled into her kitchen, still wearing her Snuggy™, and poured herself a bowl of Lucky Charms™." See? It’s easy!
-Tweet Your Way To Tasty Tamales™ (TYWTTT™, or Tywit™ for short): Quick, someone check that Wickerpoe’s™ papers, because I think it belongs south of the border! Sign up for Tywit™ and being tweeting your way to free Mexican food all across town. All you have to do is tweet thrice daily about how hungry you are for the tasty, authentic Mexican fare served up by California Tortilla™, Baja Burrito™, Sonora Sopapilla™, or Juarez Jalapeño™, and in just three short months you’ll receive online coupons for free appetizers (¡aperetivos!) or desserts (¡postres!) at each. ¡Now that’s a spicy quesadilla!
As you can see, we here at AmEx™ are committed to maximizing your experience with Zync™. You’re a young American with lots of life to live and plenty of stuff to buy. We want to harness all your creativity, youthful energy, and consumer preferences into an unstoppable force the likes of which the demographic-specific charge card industry has never seen!
Yes, we can!
With daps,
Tad Manbro
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