Queen Bee and King Con
Does triple-platinum felon Jack Abramoff play Lil Kim on his iPod?
Music, Jan. 5, 2006
Does triple-platinum felon Jack Abramoff play Lil Kim on his iPod?
By John Burton
“All of my remaining days, I will feel tremendous sadness and regret for my conduct and for what I have done.” —Jack Abramoff, pleading guilty to three felony counts of fraud, tax evasion and conspiracy.
“At the time I thought it was the right thing to do but I now know it was wrong… I ask you to consider my entire life’s work and not just the days in the grand jury and on the witness stand in the courtroom. I’m a God-fearing, good person.” —Kimberly “Lil Kim” Jones, before being sentenced to 366 days in prison for lying to a federal grand jury.
On January 3, 2006, Jack Abramoff made his felony debut pleading guilty to three felony counts of fraud, tax evasion and conspiracy to bribe public officials. The following day, Abramoff jet-setted his way to sunny Miami, Florida to plead guilty to a second round of felony counts involving the purchase of a casino cruise line. The fedora-wearing mega-lobbyist emerges at the center of a vast network of dirty-dealing likely to become the “biggest scandal in Congress in over a century.” And while Conspiracy rapper and ex-Junior M.A.F.I.A. member Lil Kim refused to rat on her machine-gun toting friends—they opened fire in a radio station parking lot; she said they didn’t; the cameras said they did; busted—Big Jack Abramoff intends to rat on his friends.
Although Lil Kim and the Junior M.A.F.I.A. rapped about “Snatching That Cash,” “Spending A Little Doe,” and ruling the world of hip hop as a bona fide “Mafia Land,” Jack Abramoff has pled guilty to the kind of heist Lil Kim could only dream about: the $750-per-hour lobbyist collected nearly $82 million in lobbying fees from his primary clients. Between 1994 and 2004, Abramoff solicited business from Native American tribal governments interested in opening and operating gaming casinos. Abramoff lobbied Members of Congress on the tribes’ behalf. According to the Justice Department, Abramoff defrauded his Indian clients, steering business towards his partner, and former aide to Tom DeLay, Michael Scanlon without telling the tribes of his connection to Scanlon. According to the Justice Department, Abramoff and Scanlon then split the profit fifty-fifty.
Lil Kim aficionados will note the eerie similarity between the Abramoff-Scanlon nexus of money and power and the similar “self-dealing” described in Lil Kim’s track, “Thug Love,” featuring the rap artist Twista. While Lil Kim and Twista only went on a fictional crime spree, Abramoff now owes $26.7 million in fines to the IRS and restitution to the Indian tribes he defrauded. And so we ask: Does Jack Abramoff play Lil Kim on his iPod? Consider the following lyrics from Kim’s song “Nobody Do It Better Than Us”:
If gettin’ money is a crime, then I confess
If it ain’t about money, I could care less.
When you hear us comin’, know it’s time to collect
[People] be like ‘here come the IRS!’
And Abramoff’s story gets worse. Always the lavish and extravagant lobbyist, Abramoff wined and dined with the best of them, borrowing a page from the Lil Kim playbook. Scores of headlines now shed light on how Abramoff secured access to Members of Congress and their staff: “lavish golfing trips, complimentary meals at his fancy restaurant Signatures, and lucrative skybox tickets to Washington sporting events.”
According to the Wall Street Journal, Abramoff has information that threatens to implicate 60 lawmakers. The stench of corruption is strong enough for Newt “ethically challenged” Gingrich to publicly condemn the “team effort” of corrupt lobbyists, Members of Congress and congressional staff. Speaking before the Rotary Club, the former House Speaker somewhat ironically exhorted his minions to “take the lead in saying to the country we need to clean this mess up.”
If Casino Jack fully cooperates, he can “expect to receive a prison sentence of 9 ½ to 11 years.” Lil Kim has found that even a one-year prison term can wreak havoc on both your career and your social life. She reports that she spends her time answering fan mail, reading The Da Vinci Code (reportedly, her favorite book) and more recently, organizing a holiday toy drive for underprivileged hoodrats through her charity Lil Kim Cares. Voletta Wallace, mother of slain rap artist Notorious B.I.G., explained Lil Kim’s conspicuous absence from the posthumous rapper’s newly released album, Duets: “Kim was busy. She was heading to prison.” Harsh! But then, you can’t expect Biggie’s mother to be Lil Kim’s biggest fan, which is too bad for Kim because Duets cracked the Billboard Top 5 and has already sold more than her album (released months earlier) has sold.
Like Lil Kim, Jack Abramoff is likely to lose business opportunities following his sentencing. For his part, Abramoff, a Bush-Cheney Pioneer who raised over $100,000 for the 2004 re-election effort, is almost certain to sit on the bench for the 2006 congressional campaigns and the 2008 presidential race. Indeed, Washington lawmakers are already tripping over themselves to return Abramoff’s donations or alternatively, donate them to charity. At least 24 politicians have given up over half a million dollars in Abramoff money. House Speaker Dennis Hastert has finally donated his $69,000 in Abramoff bucks to charity. President Bush isn’t giving back that $100K that Abramoff fundraised, but he is returning the $6,000 in campaign contributions connected to Abramoff. In a town where power is measured in access and connections, this suggests that Abramoff’s career is over.
So why did he do it? Jack Abramoff was attracted to money and power and he knew he could get his hands on both in Washington. On her platinum album, Notorious K.I.M., Lil Kim similarly identifies Washington lawmakers as targets for a heist:
Make a cat bleed, then sprinkle it with vinegar
Kidnap the Senator
Make him call his wife and say he never comin’ home
Kim got him in a zone…
Unfortunately, too many conservative lawmakers knowingly wandered into Abramoff’s zone and it isn’t hard to imagine that Jack and Kim are going to get some pretty high-class company behind bars.
For an insightful (lyric-free) analysis of Jack Abramoff’s scandals check out the excellent work of the Progress Report team.
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