State of the Union Drinking Game

President Bush gestures while delivering his State of the Union address on Capitol Hill, Tuesday, Jan. 31, 2006, in Washington to a joint session on Congress. (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

Tonight President Bush will give his eighth, and probably final, State of the Union address. It looks like it is going to be rather bland, even by the normally soporific standards of the State of the Union. As the Politico notes in its preview of the speech, tonight's address is “unlikely to yield surprises.” Firmly settled into his lame-duck phase and suffering from the effects of a 32-percent approval rating, Bush is less likely to inspire America tonight than he is to correctly pronounce a polysyllabic word.

With all that in mind, Campus Progress has decided to give you, the fair-minded progressive, a reason to watch. So we present here the first annual Campus Progress Drinking-and-Other-Actions State of the Union Address Game.

Number of players: Between 1 and however many friends you have.

Rules:

1. Print out a copy of the chart below and distribute it to all players.
2. Tune in at 9 p.m. and follow the directions below.
3. No underage drinking. If you are underage, try aged organic cider perhaps.

If Bush…

…mentions the war on terror and/or Islamofascism,

take a shot of an American-made liquor to help tamp down the terror. Pass out into a fever dream of vaguely ethnic, hooded figures loitering suspiciously around our nation’s precious mall parking lots.

…connects any of his policies to 9/11,

take and shot and dig out your copy of Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill. Blast it at a high volume to remind yourself that things that are worn out and no longer culturally relevant can have occasional potency.

…talks about the sanctity of marriage,

barricade your door to protect you and your family from the rampaging hordes of gays seeking to undermine heterosexual marriage even as we speak. Take a shot.

…pimps his economic stimulus plan, which will net you between $600 and $1,200 by May if you’re a taxpayer,

take a shot, then go online and buy a Wii, but do not address your mounting credit card debt. That would be letting the terrorists win.

…talks about the progress being made in Iraq,

take a shot and go into your roommate’s bedroom, break everything, hammer a single nail into the rubble, and ensure him or her that “progress is being made” toward the reconstruction of the room.

…raises the threat of Iran’s nuclear ambitions,

print out one copy of the December National Intelligence Estimate for each person watching. The first person to rewrite the document in a way that supports what Bush is saying wins the round. Everyone else takes a shot and prepares to get drafted.

…talks of the need to make his early-term tax cuts permanent,

[If you make more than $80,000 a year:]

take a shot and add a new level to your house and/or hire another butler/personal assistant/helper.

[If you make less than $80,000 a year:]

take a shot and keep experimenting with homemade cures for bronchitis. Some combination of off-brand cough syrup, Rice Chex, and discount dog food is sure to do the trick.

…mentions the subprime mortgage crisis,

wonder aloud how you managed to afford a 28,000-square-foot mansion on a fast-food-manager’s salary, then take a shot and switch over to MTV’s Cribs.

…singles out someone out in the audience (i.e. “Bob McBob, a one-handed farmer from Idaho, single-handedly saved the lives of 15,000 orphans when he courageously…”),

pick a player at random and shower them with over-the-top praise for the rest of the evening. Also, take a shot.

…mentions Ronald Reagan,

retrieve the tuft of Reagan’s hair you keep under your mattress and rub it lovingly against your face for at least 15 seconds. Take a shot.

…says something that garners an extended standing applause,

start a slow-clap that gradually builds until the end of the speech. Take a shot.

…kisses a liberal on his way to the podium,

make out with the person on your left. Take a shot.

…kisses a conservative on his way to the podium,

make out with the person on your right. Take a shot.

…kisses a libertarian on his way to the podium,

set up a market-driven system to determine whom you make out with. Take a shot.

…compliments a current presidential candidate,

take a shot, frantically log onto Intrade, and quickly dump all your shares in said candidate.

…mentions his legacy or describes his time in office in broad terms,

take enough shots to pass out until January 20, 2009.

Jesse Singal is an Associate Editor at Campus Progress. His drinking games have been featured in the The New York Times, Harper’s, and Cat Fancy Magazine.

Related Stories

• The United States of Business Appeasement
• Commentary: Jobs Plan Good for Students, Young Americans
• With Congress in Gridlock, Obama Should Raise the Debt Ceiling Himself
• Obama’s LGBT Support a Stark Contrast to Past Presidents
• DeSean Jackson’s Anti-Gay Slur Defended by Radio Host