We’re Gonna Name It Like It’s 1984 Contest

As President Bush explained at Kansas State University on January 24, he likes rugs that reflect his Presidential Optimism. He also likes optimistic-sounding names for his policies and programs—or, as anyone not in the thrall of FOX News might put it, names that are deliberately designed to make regressive, self-serving policies sound like they’re going to bring about Paradise on Earth.

First there was the “Clear Skies Initiative”—a program that relaxed controls on pollution emissions. Then we got the “Healthy Forests Initiative,” which opened previously pristine natural preserves to corporate logging. And let’s not forget the USA PATRIOT Act—because anyone who doesn’t buy Bush’s approach to fighting the War on Terror is clearly not a USA PATRIOT.

Just this week, amidst the growing scandal over its recently-revealed warrantless wiretapping program, the administration tried to rename that, too—it’s now the “Terrorist Surveillance Program.” And the State of the Union Address on the 31st offered a whole new round of fun new names and programs… “switchgrass,” anyone?

Given all the heat Bush, Rove and co. are taking these days, though, Campus Progress thought they could use some help. So we announced our latest contest: to create names for legislation so deceptive, contradictory, and euphemistically “optimistic” that they would make Our President proud.

Thanks to everyone who entered the contest and submitted their great ideas for a new policy initiative. We’re proud to announce the winner: Marcus McCowan of Berkeley, CA, for his entry:

 
The Freedom Wall Initiative
What it does: Closes all US borders, and erects forty foot high electric fences
 

In the spirt of the contest, Marcus will receive all four books of The Collected Essays, Journalism & Letters of George Orwell. That’s nearly 2,000 pages of quality prose to wash his mind of the nearly-illiterate nonsense coming from today’s doublespeakers in power. He’ll also get some cool Campus Progress swag including stickers and a T-shirt!

Some of our other favorites are printed below. Once again, thanks to everyone who entered. And to everyone else who didn’t win, there was never any contest to begin with.

KnowIng our Need for Governmental Simplification (or KINGS)
What it does: Transfer of all legislative and judicial powers to the executive branch
Submitted by Jason W. Daverth

College Credit Initiative
What it does: Promote the use of credit cards to replace student loans
Submitted by Meredith McKinney

The Safety in Mining Initiative
What it does: Establish a secure bunker facility and top secret staff for mining internet data received from google, yahoo, aol etc.
Submitted by Meredith McKinney

Operation: Universal Freedom
What it does: No longer contect with battling terrorism on Earth, President Bush begins a series of policy initives to construct a death star to fight terror and bring freedom and democracy to the universe.
Submitted by Adam DeDent

The Faith-Based Energy Initiative
What it does: Gives tax breaks to oil companies and prays for the best
Submitted by Alex Gangaware

The Coastal Wetlands Expansion Project
What it does: Lets global warming go unchecked
Submitted by Elizabeth Farquhar

Agriculture Revitalization Program for a Prosperous and Free Afghanistan
What it does: Grows opium
Submitted by Lauren Patrizi

Protecting American Youth from Drugs, Alcohol, and other Yearnings (or PAYDAY)
What it does: Mandatory military conscription for all children aged 14 and up
Submitted by Jason W. Daverth

No Home Left Behind Without Beautiful Front Porch
What it does: In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, the Bush Administration is instituting a funding initiative that will direct money for rebuilding to where it is most needed. Grants will be given (to qualified) land owners) for the purpose of ensuring no rebuilt Gulf Coast home is without a beautiful front porch. The President looks forward to sitting on these porches. [Actual strategy: Funnel money from lobbyists to Trent Lott to rebuild his house. Further cut funding to the Army Corps of Engineers for levee maintenance and divert money to pork barrell projects in Alaska]
Submitted by Pat Murphy

Complete Access to Renewable Energy (CARE) Act
What it does: We invade Canada for its vast fields of switchgrass, invade the Netherlands for its vast fields of windmills, and invade Japan because it’s the Empire of the Sun
Submitted by Dan Ruch

Right Two Vote Initiative
What it does: The use of electronic voting machines which convert every other “left” vote to the “right” candidate
Submitted by Meredith McKinney

The Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act
Oh, wait. That one’s real
Submitted by Zak Neiman

Related Stories

• RomCom Fail: Film ‘Hysteria’ is Anything but Hysterical
• Thank You For Registering
• Gender-Neutral Housing Comes to Princeton
• Campaign Communications Director, Repower America
• Toke Up Marijuana Laws