Single? Sad? Lonely? Confused?
“Life as a single woman can be full of purpose,” Jennifer Marshall, director of domestic policy studies at the Heritage Foundation, said last week. Unfortunately for many women in conservative Christian circles, single life can also be full of confusion.
Marshall’s single “life of purpose” was news to attendees at the Conservative Women’s Network luncheon at Heritage on June 24. About 70 young women—with a few middle-aged women mixed in—came to hear Marshall discuss her new book, Now and Not Yet: Making Sense of Single Life in the Twenty-First Century.
Conservative Christians tend to emphasize marriage as the ultimate goal of a woman’s life. They support abstinence education, which completely ignores the fact that 95 percent of Americans have premarital sex. But despite this rhetoric, even conservative young women can find themselves in their mid- to late-twenties with no husband, picket fence, or children on the horizon.
Many young women—particularly those living in urban settings such as Washington, D.C.—have graduated from college without an “MRS” degree” and now must face the supposedly daunting task of living a fulfilling single life. Conservative relatives and friends are prone to repeatedly asking if these young women have found “the one,” and caution them not to become so self-sufficient lest they appear too much of a “career woman” to want or need a man.
In her book, Marshall offers advice for making singleness “more than a holding pattern” from a conservative Christian perspective. “This book is about redeeming the time between now and the ‘not yet’ for which we hope,” she writes in the introduction.
On Thursday, Marshall shared anecdotes from her research for the book, which mostly involved interviewing women about their conceptions of single life. Due to the fact that conservative Christians around the country responded to her poll, Marshall concluded that “this is a cultural conversation that everyone wants to participate in.” This is probably because conservative women have never had it. Progressives started the conversation about single young adulthood decades ago with the feminist movement and the sexual revolution. But Marshall claimed feminism did more harm than good.
“There is a price people feel that they are paying on account of feminist trailblazers,” Marshall said. “Feminism does at a very personal level affect our lives in a very negative way.”
With the advent of feminist “propaganda” came problematic sexual liberation. Referencing a study by the Institute of American Values, which she called “a great organization with a great report,” Marshall discussed the “hook-up culture” that has evolved on college campuses.
“The most pressing question,” she said, “is what we will do with this today in these circumstances.”
Despite her attacks on feminism, Marshall admitted enjoying “the benefits of equal opportunity [that the feminist movement afforded] without commitment to the egalitarian cause. When doors opened, we walked through.” In fact, 15 out of Heritage’s 62 staff experts are women, something that wouldn’t have been possible without the efforts of feminists who pushed for equality in higher education and the workplace.
Marshall asserted that even with the doors that have been opened for women, there is still “no concept of a single woman in the positive sense. … Many young [single] women strike us as sad, lonely, and confused.”
But some women actually “make valuable use of their single years,” Marshall revealed. She cited successful female professionals she interviewed who were “willing to rearrange priorities when things like marriage come along.” Responding to the skepticism of the audience, she assured, “They’re not feminist, but their life hasn’t taken its planned course either.”
This “planned course” was a recurring theme throughout Marshall’s talk, as she frequently alluded to “the purpose for which women were put on the earth.” Unfortunately, Marshall said, fulfilling this purpose has become increasingly elusive.
“It’s more difficult to enter marriage in the 21st century than ever before,” she said. When she cited the fact that three out of 10 women are single at age 30, murmurs of disapproval and disbelief rippled through the audience. But Marshall offered a 10-step plan for coping with “the spiritual and emotional struggle that is a reality of single life.” Some of the recommendations, such as continuing to hope for marriage and not “callous[ing] your heart,” seemed simple and harmless. But others appeared to value pursuing a spouse above pursuing a career.
“Don’t be a workaholic,” Marshall urged. “Be open to rearranging your professional life for a husband.” Marshall insisted that “now is as important as the ‘not yet’ for which we hope.” But how can a woman truly be satisfied in the “now” if she is constantly thinking about the “not yet”?
“Have a sense of purpose anchored in God,” a phrase to which she constantly came back, seemed to be her answer. But while faith is a grounding board for some, it is divisive for others. When asked how women who were not spiritual could use her suggestions, Marshall replied, “A self-centered view is very isolationist.”
Among the crowd were three men—Zach was one of them. The women in attendance, perhaps less enthralled with what Marshall referred to as the “worldly independence” of single life, gave Zach no lack of attention. In between bouts of making awkward eye contact and tossing their hair back to flaunt pearl necklaces, young women approached your lucky co-author to try out the latest pick-up lines to come out of Heritage’s domestic strategy center.
When Zach was not engaged in what apparently passes for flirting in conservative circles, he was being attacked for suggesting there might be more to life than getting married and having children.
While he was waiting in line for lunch, three older women accosted him to ask what he thought of “all this marriage talk.” He responded that while he thought much of what Marshall said might be helpful, he believed it was important to be able to experience life and have relationships without focusing on marriage. After the women peppered him with questions about his personal life, eventually learning that he did not oppose premarital sex, they pounced.
“That behavior leads to unhappy marriages,” one of the women said. “If a man is going to have sex with a woman he’s not married to then, what’s to say he won’t have sex with a woman he’s not married to once he’s married?”
Zach responded that the two cases were not analogous since the married man has taken a vow to be faithful to his spouse. He added that many people engage in premarital sex exclusively with their significant other, so it is wrong to assume a link exists between premarital sex and infidelity. When the women pointed out that Christians believe premarital sex is immoral, the young man responded that not everyone shares the same religious beliefs. Apparently disturbed by this thought, the women abruptly ended the conversation.
Instead of ending conversations with those who embrace feminist ideals, conservatives should recognize the advances the movement has offered to women everywhere. Without it, single women would have no hope for self-advancement and the satisfaction that Marshall spoke about.
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The old saying goes: “Why buy the cow when you’re gettin’ the milk for free?”
This argument is supposed to convince women not to engage in premarital sex, the idea being that if you’re giving it up to your man, why would he ever pony up a ring?
More and more these days, the argument seems to make sense. The odds of having a successful marriage are increasingly low. Divorces. Custody disputes. Bitter fights over money. Why would a young man (it’s usually the dude who gets screwed in these battles) give up freedom for the hope of this?
— Shady Milkman - Jul 3, 01:41 PM - #Great article Cara & Zach.
The thing that I find most depressing about Marshall’s talk is the assertion that women are incomplete until they marry. Well no wonder the young women she interviewed were depressed! What a terrible message to send to your daughter. And even if she’s married, she believes that her happiness should be tied to him—while his is tied to who he is in the world.
Sounds like a sham of a deal to me! One that doesn’t really benefit either partner. No thank you Ms. Marshall.
— Tanya D. - Jul 3, 03:17 PM - #I would like to respectfully disagree with Mr. Shady Milkman on his point that men get screwed most after divorces and custody disputes. Divorces often lead to single mothers (in 2000, there were nine times as many single mother families as a result of a broken marriage than single father homes), and single mothers definitely do not usually live a luxurious life. I would reassess who we think is getting screwed.
— Atasi - Jul 3, 03:25 PM - #Enjoyed the article but I feel like you left something out that is relevant: What’s Jennifer Marshall’s relationship status? I think it’s relevant to know how long she’s experienced (or has been experiencing) the dreaded single life that she feels she can legitimately offer council to other women.
— Dorna Mohaghegh - Jul 3, 03:54 PM - #[quote]I would like to respectfully disagree with Mr. Shady Milkman on his point that men get screwed most after divorces and custody disputes. Divorces often lead to single mothers (in 2000, there were nine times as many single mother families as a result of a broken marriage than single father homes), and single mothers definitely do not usually live a luxurious life. I would reassess who we think is getting screwed.[/quote]
Let’s assess Atasi’s assessment in the harsh cold light of reality, shall we?
What the woman gets from divorce:
Children
House/Car(s)/Assets
Child support
Alimony
What the man gets:
[sound of crickets]
Anyone?
Ask yourselves, why are 80% of divorces initiated by women? Answer: Because they have everything to gain, and they know it. Our feminist-controlled society has given women every advantage, perk, privilege, and right. Men get nothing. Hell, less than nothing. They have to pay for the privilege of seeing their own children on alternate Tuesdays. “Hey, kids, welcome to Daddy’s cardboard box!” While of course that ‘child support’ in actuality goes to finance the woman’s ever-growing shoe collection. Because Mommy just can’t possibly be expected to properly raise children without the latest fashions, the poor dear. Poor single moms, they have it sooo hard. My heart bleedeth.
Oh wait, I almost forgot. Men do get something!
A big fat shaft.
Marriage. Hey, let’s all jump on that trainwreck!
— man0war - Jul 3, 07:43 PM - #Of course, the statistics show that after divorce a woman’s standard of living, on average, declines by 27% while the man’s rises by 10%. But, hey, don’t let me get in the way of a good rant.
— Ted - Jul 5, 08:38 AM - #In addition, let’s not forget the women who are screwed by divorce because their ex-husband cannot pay child support. These women then must work for middle-class women doing childcare in order to qualify for welfare. Apparantly caring for their own children isn’t enough to qualify them, but caring for those of middle to upper class families is.
— Cara - Jul 5, 09:13 AM - #I have to agree with a number of responses here. How are singletons ever supposed to find happiness with themselves if they’re waiting for “Mr/s. Right” to complete them? Also, what happens when a woman thinks she finds “Mr. Right” and it turns out she’s just as depressed as a “Mrs.” as when she was a “Ms.” ? Why would someone even want a relationship with a person who feels that marriage is the end all be all of why humans even exist? How the hell are you supposed to have actual discussion with a party, knowing the entire time that they are evaluating whether or not they’d pick you as a mate?! What kind of dinner conversation does that provide? I’d have to take the advice of every successful marriage maker I know, “Do what makes you happy. Have some passion, have a purpose and the rest will fall into place as it should.” Marriages fail not because individuals have had premarital sex, they fail because of the unreasonable expectations that are attached to the word “marriage.” The simple act of a ceremony won’t make you feel better about yourself, the world or your life in the long run, but the relationship that participated in the ceremony will assuming it’s a good one that you’re willing to work at. It’s as if though individuals don’t understand that marriage is just as tough a choice as optional single-dom. That being said, I couldn’t imagine waiting around for some magical person to save me from myself.
— Erika - Jul 6, 01:25 PM - #Well, naturally, which ever partner gets custody of the children is going to have a tough time. It just so happens to be women most of the time.
— TAT - Jul 6, 01:37 PM - #To Cara and Zach: Thank you so much for reporting on this issue.
It’s mind-numbing and utterly disgusting that some people believe that at this tender age we are “preparing for marriage”. I hate to play the ‘immigrant family’ card because it’s so cliche but coming from a moderately strict Indian-American family, I know that I too feel like I am ALWAYS being pressured to ‘be prepared for marriage’ in the sense of looking out for the ‘right’ guy and ‘right’ family. So I know how this is. My parents never had a real ‘sex talk’ with me but of course.. i learned about the birds and the bees in middle school. Anyway, I just think it’s kind of ironic that since the abstinence only programs have been launched… STD rates and pre-marital sex has actually sky-rocketed. I mean, as you said 95%! Maybe we should be teaching SAFE SEX rather than not having it at all. Right?
When someone tells you to think about ANYTHING but the color red. What are you going to think about?......
— Sonal - Jul 6, 01:56 PM - #Cara, Calvin, Zach… I want to be your friend.
— Natalie - Jul 6, 02:00 PM - #I think, while no one should be pressured into marriage by any means, we shouldn’t necessarily downplay the impact of marriage on society and as a bond between two individuals. Call me a hopeless romantic, but isn’t marriage, when it truly works, a bond between people who are more than friends, more than family and that bond is what can create happiness? It shouldn’t be the end all be all of happiness but I think it’s safe to assume most people are looking for that missing half, whether it is in just a simple boyfriend/girlfriend (or bf/bf or gf/gf) relationship or a legal and religious vow to stay with each other.
— Brian - Jul 6, 11:04 PM - #Who knows, maybe I’m just hoping that there will still be enough single, wanting to be attached, ladies arround so those of us who want to get married can do so.
I feel sorry for the first commenter who believes there is nothing more to marriage (or any romantic relationship with women, for that matter) apart from sex. By using such an inappropriate analogy to describe and man’s relationship with women and the sex they share, it is clear that no one has ever taught you that the objectification of females (or anyone else) is wrong. It is no wonder you have such a bleak outlook on holy matrimony. If you want to know why there are so many divorces today, it is because people like you, who have little to no appreciation for the true value of marriage, get married for the WRONG REASONS and end up regretting it in the end. I’m pretty sure that if you look in a thesaurus you will discover love and sex are not synonyms.
— kiki the boss - Jul 7, 01:18 PM - #buy a cat and die alone
— bo f...k - Jul 9, 11:55 AM - #I think that the scholarship and opinions on marriage and family of anyone who toiled away at the Family Research Council (and proudly proclaims it to the rest of the world) are inherently suspect, likely lack any academic foundation, and probably undermine rational thought. That said, I am very pleased that Zach shocked the lovely women who were undoubtedly eagerly swallowing Marshall’s drivel.
— Todd - Jul 9, 02:03 PM - #I’d like to point out that one can appose premarital sex for reasons that have nothing to do with religion. For example, one might argue that casual sex depersonalizes sexuality, therefore reducing the capacity and ability of sexuality to become a satisfying emotional or psychological experience. One might refrain from sexual activity before making public a permanent declaration of monogamy (marriage) in order to elevate their sexual relations to an exclusive, personal relationship with their partner. Atheists, agnostics, monotheists, and polytheists alike can potentially hold this view.
— eucatastrophile - Jul 10, 05:19 PM - #Where can I get some free milk?
— rdw1125 - Jul 13, 11:35 AM - #Stick it in her conservative but and see how she likes it! lol
— mike - Jul 14, 07:39 AM - #Great Web Site to counter
the Republican “get spiritual” American psuedo religiosity.
As an aging Nam vet ex-pat living abroad, I can only note that the only thing America exports these days to Europe is right wing hype and lots of internet porn.
Capitalism not only alienates us from the means of production, but from the means of production.
A “conservative American ex-pat aquaintance runs an internet porn site…..
I thought I`t take a look at the stuff he peddels.
(Remember Tom Lehrer`s “smut”) Anyhow, I discovered the world´s oldest porno star is 102 years old,closing in 103.. Ah yes, only in America.
The question is, is the lady in question also a “born again Christian” and a member of the Heritage foundation?
Have a good laugh, young gentlemen.
Old Fashioned, Feisty Old Lincolnite Liberal.
— Old Fahsioned Lincoln Liberal - Aug 6, 08:15 AM - #Dear Young College Age Americans.
For those of you taking German courses, I would love to recommend a song we sometimes sing
at Social Democratic Meet Ups.
It is called “Die Internationale”.
The lyrics go like this:
Voelker, hört die Signale
bis zum letzten Gefect:
Die Internationale
schuetzt das Menschenrecht.
A closed fist of solidarty gesture to you “left from a Menschevik Nam vet who carries a red colored
membership book.
Get out there and protest Iraq!
All the Best: Old Fashioned Lincolnite Liberal.
— Old Fashioned Lincolnite Liberal - Aug 6, 08:24 AM - #