Grade This! - July 1, 2005
The weekly wrap-up: just desserts for Souter, the biggest catfish on earth, the Gipper blues and more.
The Gipper Blues
Progressives must have been distraught (though not surprised) at the result of Discovery’s Greatest American series. The popular contest’s top twenty produced a questionable if not predictable gaggle of stars spangling Discovery’s banner, including Bill Gates, Billy Graham – and, yes, even Dubya. But boy were progressives rolling eyes when Ronald Reagan – the late president popularly known for battling communism, saving America’s ego and cutting taxes to boot – was selected as the greatest of Uncle Sam’s nephews.
How soon we forget that The Gipper is also known for slashing social services while military coffers overflowed, and giving America a credit rating bested even by MC Hammer. Worse, America’s Great Communicator believed that trees caused pollution, that ketchup was a vegetable, and that he was an Allied soldier during World War II — when in fact he just played one on the silver screen. It’s a legacy that almost makes you wish Reagan broke out of the B-movie mold back in the 50’s and made it big in Hollywood.
Maybe this all has to do with that poll back in October about how public perception of reality falls along party lines. But hey, that’s good news for some: If certain unfortunate souls switch political parties, Tatu becomes the greatest singing duo of all time.
Ronald Reagan as The Greatest American: C-
Bedtime for Bonzo (1951): B
This latest reminder of the constant need to cut through conservative rhetoric: A
Tatu’s last album: Q-
Andrew Garib, Cornell University
 Just Desserts for Souter
Logan Darrow Clements, CEO of LA-based Freestar media, has proposed building a hotel on the site of Supreme Court Justice David Souter’s house in Weare, New Hampshire. Meant to demonstrate the injustice of the recent Supreme Court ruling on eminent domain, the hotel would be called the "Lost Liberty Hotel," and would feature the "Just Desserts Cafe" and a museum dedicated to the loss of freedom in America.
"Am I taking this seriously? But of course," said Charles Meany, Weare’s code enforcement officer. "In lieu [sic] of the recent Supreme Court decision, I would imagine that some people are pretty much upset. If it is their right to pursue this type of end, then by all means let the process begin."
Unchecked use of eminent domain: D-
Sticking it to the Man: B+
The Just Desserts Cafe: A
Chaim Schramm, University of Michigan
Big Fish
Thai fishermen have caught a 646-pound catfish. Zeb Hogan, who is in charge of an international project to study large fish noted, "This is the largest individual fish of the species that’s listed as the biggest in the Guinness Book of World Records." That’s a pretty convoluted way to say that this is one big fish.
The fish is a member of the Mekong giant catfish species, an endangered species and the world’s largest freshwater fish, rivaled only by its close relative, the dog-eating catfish (wonder how they came up with that name). Environmentalists hoped to release the fish for spawning purposes, but alas, the AP reports that the fish soon died and was eaten.
646-pound catfish: A
646-pound catfish eating my dog: F
Andrew Fong, Harvard University
Derechos Iguales por Todos en España, as US Gives Founding Principles the Cold Shoulder
Spain, a country with a dubious past when it comes to religiously-charged issues, legalized gay marriage on Thursday by a margin of 187-147 with four abstentions. This makes the traditionally Roman Catholic state of Inquisition fame the third country to legalize gay marriage behind the Netherlands and Belgium, with Canada expected to follow soon. It is highly ironic that the United States, a country founded on religious tolerance and the ability to pursue one’s own happiness, is behind the curve on such a cut and dry issue of equality. That leaders on the state and national level (and on both sides of the aisle) are proactively working against such far overdue progress is reprehensible.
Spanish Leadership’s Early-Adoption of Just Policy: A
America ’s Reversion to Discrimination Based Largely on Religious Dogma: F
Max Entman, Duke University
Army Recruiters Reconsidered
Although President Bush made clear on Tuesday that no more US troops will be sent to Iraq, meeting recruiting goals is still vital to the success of our armed forces, and to the security of the nation. Achieving recruiting goals, however, should not mean sacrificing quality or ethical standards.
Disturbing developments have recently surfaced about US Army recruiting practices. With the promise of significant bonuses based on the number of recruits, Army recruiters have been given “greater leeway to recruit more high-school dropouts and lower-achieving applicants.” This country continues to insist on recruiting from rural Wal-Marts and urban housing projects – neighborhoods where opportunities are limited and teenagers are desperate enough to face war for the chance at college tuition or decent paycheck.
In addition to targeting their recruitment efforts to communities where poverty and hopelessness are endemic, Army recruiters have also been accused of illegal and immoral practices as recently as this May, when recruiters first started seeing their numbers fall. According to MSNBC, recruiters threatened to arrest those who did not sign up and even offered information on ways to fake a diploma and get around drug tests and physical fitness exams. Instead of targeting recruitment areas that are deeply troubled, it’s time to start putting our money into improving the quality of life of the less fortunate members of our society instead of using that money to ship them off to foreign wars.
Recruiters reaching their June goal: B+
Recruiters still 7,800 behind annual goal: D
Exploiting the less fortunate with lies: F
Getting out of middle-America and recruiting a diversified army: Incomplete
Jonathan Misk, Williams College
Of Bears and Panda Bears
Chinese President Hu Jintao visited Russia on Thursday to bolster trade ties with Moscow. The two were expected to reaffirm respect for international law, a stronger role for the UN, and a number of other things likely to piss off John Bolton, not that he needs much prodding.
In addition to a "sustainable and long-term development of bilateral relations [...] the eternal friendship between peoples", goodness, and doubleplusgoodness, the pact is seen as a "strategic partnership" to counter American power around the world. The two nations have cooperated militarily, embraced nations marginalized by the West, and even joined forces in the upcoming 2008 Beijing Olympics. America beware.
Eternal friendship between peoples: Good
Sino-Russian alliance against America: Minusgood
A pole-vaulting panda bear: Doublepluscrazygood
John Bolton: Still F
Andrew Fong, Harvard University
Sore Winners Take Action
On Wednesday, the House Administration Committee voted 5-3 to send HR 513 to the full House. The bill would force so-called 527’s like MoveOn.org to obey the same campaign finance rules as political action committees. Lest you think that this some sort of altruistic attempt to clean up our dirty politics, keep in mind the following: In 2004, groups that backed Senator Kerry and opposed President Bush raised $266 million. Organizations opposed to Kerry and backing the president collected only $144 million. And Republicans aren’t making any secret of their feelings for George Soros, either. Says committee chairman Bob Ney (R-Ohio), current law "distort[s] our political process by taking power away from our political parties and redistributing it to less accountable, ideologically driven outside groups."
Attempting to retain power by passing legislation targeted at hurting the opposition: F
Republicans being sore losers (even though they won): D+
Chaim Schramm, University of Michigan
Illustration: August J. Pollak
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