Grade This! - April 3, 2006
The latest news wrap-up: Basically a whole bunch of governments messing up a lot.
By Brian Beutler
Monday April 3, 2006
But If You Leave Now You Won’t Get Your Share of All That Money in the Bank Account the E-Mail Told Me About
It’s an interesting time for human-rights activists and proponents of international criminal law. First their job got easier. Slobodan Milosevic died in his prison cell. Case closed. But then it got much, much harder. That’s because Charles Taylor fled from his soon-to-end asylum in Nigeria thanks to what many believe was a wink-wink-nudge-nudge-get-the-fuck-out-of-town maneuver by president Olusegun Obasanjo, who had just told the world he’d hand Taylor over to face trial. I, on the other hand, subscribe to the Leslie Nielsen theory in this case—that Taylor had just acquiesced, but then stopped to ask his guards, “Before you take me to prison—where I have agreed without hesitation to spend the rest of my life—perhaps I can use the toilet?” Kindly, the buffoonish men respond, “I don’t see why not.” Then, as the guards pace gently and check their watches, sounds emerge from inside the bathroom. First a faucet, then a window opening, then a window closing, then fast-paced footsteps, then a car door opening, then a car door slamming, then an engine starting, then tires peeling out, then silence. For the next hour the guards are puzzled, but finally think it wise to knock on the door and ask, “Mr. Taylor, are you OK?” He’s a crafty one, that warlord, but apparently not crafty enough. He was captured in Nigeria and will face war crimes charges. And, luckily, the U.S. won’t be running his trial so it may run a little more smoothly than Saddam Hussein’s.
International Law: A- in theory. F in this case.
Charles Taylor: F
Leslie Nielsen, the finest comedic of our, or any other time: A+++
Someone Better Report This to- Aww, Crap
Here’s some shocking news from the New York Times: The government is corrupt. In particular, the Government Accountability Office (GAO) is being accused from the inside of looking the other way as Boeing defrauded the government by manipulating scientific data to make its anti-missile warhead appear more accurate than it really was (severely inaccurate). The accusation comes from GAO’s Subrata Ghoshroy, now on leave at MIT, who became fed up after trying to get the organization to be transparent with the government. The Times article, though, describes the situation thus: “The dispute is unusual. Rarely in the 85-year history of the G.A.O., an investigative arm of Congress with a reputation for nonpartisan accuracy, has a dissenter emerged publicly from its ranks.” But, only five years into the Bush Administration, maybe we shouldn’t use words like “unusual” so soon.
Missile shield program: D
GAO: F
Dr. Ghoshroy: A
The Buckley Flops Here
The world’s most historically significant living conservative thinks Iraq is a failure, and that the president and Secretary of Defense are to blame. Treason, no? Hurting the troops, right? We’ll see. At 80, William F. Buckley may be delusional, and when a conservative loses his mind, he might actually start making sense, right? Or maybe I’m wrong and Buckley’s been kidnapped. If so, we’ll see if he gets the same treatment for his cowardly statements as Jill Carroll. That would be the journalist who was kidnapped and held hostage for three months in Iraq. Jonah Goldberg, an employee of Buckley’s at National Review, complained that she “bugs” him and he gets “a bad vibe from her” while his colleague Kathryn Jean Lopez called Carroll’s ordeal “annoying.” This is thanks to taped statements Carroll made that were (pretty obviously) issued at gunpoint. But I think I’ll stick to my senility hypothesis.
Bill Buckley: F
Bill Buckley in decay: B-
Jill Carroll: A
Pentagon to Also Release Report on Potential Setbacks of Covering Oneself in Chum and Hopping Into Shark Tank
In the Washington Post’s weekly “Dog Bites Man” obligatory headline and story, they report, “Attacking Iran May Trigger Terrorism”. This is a devastating insight. It comes from “U.S. intelligence and terrorism experts” who must have been assiduously reading WaPo reports from the West Bank and Iraq over the last several years to have made the logical leap that “hostilities” often provoke “counter-hostilities.” “Former CIA terrorism analyst Paul R. Pillar said that any U.S. or Israeli air strike on Iranian territory ‘would be regarded as an act of war’ by Tehran, and that Iran would strike back with its terrorist groups. ‘There’s no doubt in my mind about that. . . . Whether it’s overseas at the hands of Hezbollah, in Iraq or possibly Europe, within the regime there would be pressure to take violent action.’” Good to know they’re finally picking up on the subtleties here.
Our intelligence: F (objectively, this is true)
Air strikes: F
Counterattacks: F
Dogs biting men: A
Got an item you’ve graded and want to submit it for the next wrap-up? Send your submissions to cpwebmaster@campusprogress.org.
Brian Beutler graduated from UC Berkeley in 2004 and has interned at The Washington Monthly and the Brookings Institution. He writes for the Washington City Paper.
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