Then I heard a voice. It wasn’t Eminem this time and it damn sure wasn’t my internal monologue. It was the unmistakable voice of one Weird Al Yankovic. Here’s what he said:
Even after a few bowls of gazpacho and a plate of shrimp, I still had room for more. The white chocolate ganache almost put me over the edge, but I talked myself out of slowing down. “This is the Free Food-A-Thon finals,” the voice inside my head kept saying. “This is what separates the interns from the eaters. The one-luncheon losers from the hotel-hopping heroes.”
But I didn’t want to settle for hero. As any kid who grew up watching The Sandlotwill tell you, “Heroes get remembered. But legends never die.”
From the University Club, I walked a block and a half east on M Street to the Westin City Center, where the Center for U.S. Global Engagement was kicking off IMPACT ’08: Building a Better, Safer World, an “initiative to elevate development and diplomacy as priorities in American foreign policy.” The conference might have been about foreign policy priorities, but my priority was finding some free lunch.
I thought the lesson of this free-food-a-thon would be that there is indeed such a thing as a free lunch if you're an intern in D.C. and that if you were into saving money, you could eat a free lunch every day. The real lesson is that regardless of your budget, you should eat a free lunch every day.
From the zoo, I headed to a happy hour for interns from several progressive organizations at the obligatory home of happy hours for interns from progressive organizations, the Hawk and Dove. Talk about progressive. A dashing young man from the Roosevelt Institution made sure I was provided the nourishment of nachos and a charming lady in town from Michigan bought me a beer or two. When other interns’ attention turned from munching to mingling, I went to work on their leftovers, tackling half a turkey burger and wolfing down some wings.
But I won’t dwell on the obligatory intern happy hour.
After a few hours rest, I’m back up in it, ready to write the next chapter in my Free Food-A-Thon diary.
Before I dove in to dinner, though, there was something missing. Just like a steak deserves a hearty red by its side, a day of free food calls for an evening of free music.
So I put off my scheduled intern happy hour to head to the National Zoo, which hosts free concerts every Thursday at 6:30 pm. I arrived just in time to jam to the classic rock cuts of Relic Effect, a local band which played a mix of songs I had heard before and songs I hadn’t.
Luke Swarthout of the U.S. PIRGs thanks the senators behind him (from left: Sherrod Brown looking a bit distracted; Jeff Bingaman; Bernie Sanders feeling the heat; Gabe Pendas, not a senator; and Ted Kennedy looking like a proud grandpappy. Patty Murray didn’t make it into this picture, but she was there and gave my favorite speech of the day.) for their hard work to make college more affordable. Young activists like Luke, Gabe and Pedro de la Torre deserve just as much thanks.
After having a tray of heavenly honeyed bak lava snatched away just feet from my lips, I wandered through the lobby of the Hyatt Regency in despair. My eyes drooped as I headed for the exit. Then another sign came from above….from above the escalator.
So invading the Hotel George wasn’t the “cakewalk” we all thought it would be. But I my search for a free lunch wasn’t going to turn into a quagmire on my watch. Remembering that Zeta Phi Beta wasn’t all that was going down at the Hyatt Regency a few blocks away, I headed back to the old stomping grounds of the Campus Progress National Student Conference where I had some connections with the wait staff.
I walked through the nifty automatic turnstile door and then it hit me like an Ace of Base song. I saw the sign. And it opened up my eyes. I saw the sign.
I thought the lesson of this free-food-a-thon would be that there is indeed such a thing as a free lunch if you're an intern in D.C. and that if you were into saving money, you could eat a free lunch every day. The real lesson is that regardless of your budget, you should eat a free lunch every day.
A heaping plate of eggs, sausage and bacon, a bagel, three muffins and coffee would have been a fine breakfast on any other day. So why is this day unlike all other days, as we Jews like to ask on Passover? Because it’s the Free Food-A-Thon, and 1,500-calorie meals just don’t make the cut without some fresh fruit to top it off.
Last you heard from me, I was in muffin misery at the Russell Senate Building, listening to Sen. Judd Gregg (R-NH) share stories of playing golf with Tip O’Neill (to be accurate, he shared only one such story). After the senator passed the mic to a Cato scholar, Sonal and I peaced in time to avoid what promised to be a truly riveting PowerPoint presentation on Part D premiums.
After protesting in hopes of protein and compromising for carbs, I headed to Capitol Hill in search of more substantive nourishment at a Cato briefing on “Medicaid’s soaring costs.” If any event were to show me the true beauty of the free market, surely it would be this one. But supply didn’t meet my demand and the market failed. Like a libertarian government taking a hands-off approach to the essential needs of its people, Cato turned a blind eye to my desire for some bacon and eggs.
Interns will do anything for some free breakfast. Some compromise their principles, emitting early-morning greenhouse gases like global warming was just a theory, deceiving hard-working Americans trying to make an honest living just for a stale bagel. Others prey on unsuspecting businessmen in line for their daily caffeine. "Pay for my iced tea you capitalist pig," they shout.
The Center for American Progress was packed with so many heartthrobs last night I thought I was at the Teen Choice Awards. “There’s Ryan Gosling!” I squealed as the Academy Award-nominated hottie from The Notebook walked by.
Ryan Gosling talks about his recent trip to Uganda at the Center for American Progress Monday.
I nearly fainted when I saw Ben Mackenzie from The O.C. to my right and Melissa Fitzgerald from The West Wing to my left. But the stars weren’t there to accept awards and pose for pictures (although we did get some pretty good shots). They came to hear Gosling and a panel of experts and activists discuss ways to support the peace process in Northern Uganda at “The Way Forward in Northern Uganda.”
The O.C.'s Ben Mackenzie listens to the panel discuss what the international community can do to aid the fragile situation in Northern Uganda.
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