This manuel is intended to help get you, Mr. Conservative, elected as President of the United States. We want to stress that you can't win elections on your policies. They only appeal to the upper class and the Fox News anchors. Because of this, we must instill fear in the electorate to distract them from issues that actually affect their lives. Here are some steps that you can take to make sure that you beat those liberal wusses.
1. Mention the following things in EVERY sentence: a. Illegal Immigration. If you are talking about children's health care, talk about how the benefits of the SCHIP program extend to illegal immigrants. If you are talking about homeland security, talk about how terrorists are crossing our borders. If you are talking about....ok it doesn't matter what you're talking about. Make sure people know that you hate illegals because they aren't people and therefore don't deserve basic human rights. For more, see Tancredo, Tom. b. Scary phrases like the following: smoking gun, mass graves, Islamofacism, Jihad, Jihadists, people who want to do us harm, terrorists, evil-doers, the greatest threat our country has ever faced etc. Relate these phrases to all topics, even if they are not relevant (like when talking about the War in Iraq.) Frame any debate (even if it's about something boring like means testing for Social Security) as " I want to protect us from these people, and my opponent wants to coddle them with blankets and stuffed animals." For more, see McCain, John, Giuliani, Rudy, Romney, Mitt, Boehner, John, McConnell, Mitch...etc....etc c. How every proposal the opponent advocates will raise taxes. Even if they are talking about ridiculous things like "education" and "health care," make sure everyone knows that their proposals will raise taxes, even if they don't. If it is 100 percent clear that the proposal doesn't raise taxes, then say its benefits go to illegal immigrants. Failure to mention one of these in every sentence will cost you the election.
2. Find a bunch of meaningless issues to help distract the public. Examples can include: gay marriage, flag burning, the erosion of our culture etc. And while you are at it, make sure that every scientific proposal "devalues the culture of life." Especially those that deal with Global Warming.
3. Mention the following politicians in every sentence: Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi.
Ok, now that we have those steps down. Let's give you some examples of sentences you can use on the stump. " The greatest threat our country faces is that of Islamic Jihadists, who Hillary Clinton wants to coddle" "This program gives benefits to illegal immigrants, raises taxes, and is another attempt at Socialized, Ted Kennedy-style Hillary-care medicine."
4. Talk about the free market as if it is sexually enticing. For example, say things like "We must respect the beauty, and precision of free enterprize."
Finally, never say Democratic Party. It is the DEMOCRAT party.
I hope this manuel helps you win the election, so you can give me, your rich campaign consultant a nice payoff in a corporate tax package.
Even though people say that politicians always break promises, it is rare that these broken promises have been so explicitly laid out. President Bush, in his 2000 campaign talked about compassionate conservatism, which supposedly meant that he would be conservative, but would not eliminate government programs that help the neediest among us. Today, he did just that. Don't let the right wing megaphone fool you. The SCHIP bill, which passed with overwhelming support, isn't a path to universal health care. It isn't even enough to cover 2/3rds of the uninsured children in our country. It is also not government run health care, it is a public-private partnership. Three quarters of the SCHIP patients are covered by private insurers. So those insurance blowhards will still get their money anyway. For crying out loud, this bill is supported by the American Medical Association. The legislation is a modest step that expands a popular program to cover 8 million more children, for a fraction of the cost of the disastrous Iraq War. Today Mr. Bush silenced any of the lingering believers, who thought that Bush just might care about people.
Why did Mr. Compassionate veto this bill? There are several answers. First, he wanted to reestablish his fiscal conservative credentials, after totally blowing it during his first six years in office. Second, he has misread the bill, mistakingly thinking that it has changed eligibility, when in actuality it is only adding funding. Most importantly, however, he vetoed the bill because he believes in a strict right wing ideology. This ideology states that any Government program is fundamentally wrong but it "gives" benefits to people who somehow don't deserve them. I will never understand people like him, who don't understand the real lessons of the bible, that if you don't help the least of these brothers of mine, you are not helping me. Or better yet, love thy freaking neighbor. The President and his conservative bretheren will never understand what most people, including our founding fathers, did. That is, even if you didn't do anything to deserve it, simply by being human, you are entitled to basic rights. I think this absolutely applies to children, who through no fault of their own, do not have health insurance.
Finally, let's think about the kids who would be benefitting from the SCHIP bill. They are not poor enough to qualify for Medicaid, meaning their parents are working. Odds are, if you look at the parents' income level, they are working at blue collar jobs, putting in hours so that their family can live more comfortably. I hope everyone joins me in believing that the President's ideology is cold-hearted, at best.
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