After White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan's stunning performance in evading questiosn about Karl Rove, it appears the administration has decided to apply this tactic to all future press conferences. McClellan announced today that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had opened investigations on a number of different issues including Iraq, President Bush, global warming, why socks disappear in the dryer, and himself.

Below are transcripts from that press conference:

MCCLELLAN: Good afternoon, everyone. I just wanted to begin with a statement from the Administration.

Neener neener.

Any questions?

QUESTION: Does the president stand by his pledge to fire ...

MCCLELLAN: I appreciate your question. I think your question is being asked related to some reports that are in reference to an ongoing criminal investigation. The criminal investigation that you reference is something that continues at this point.

And as I’ve previously stated, while that investigation is ongoing, the White House is not going to comment on it.

QUESTION: I actually wasn’t talking about the Rove investigation. I was actually referring to the new White House cook. I heard he made some bad chili.

MCCLELLAN: Yes, but this question is coming up in the context of an upcoming future criminal investigation into the chili.

QUESTION: What about the cook?

MCCLELLAN: Mr. Gonzales has already investigated the cook.

QUESTION: So you can tell us about the cook?

MCCLELLAN: At this moment, no. Mr. Gonzales is scheduled to be investigated himself. We can't release the results until the investigator has been fully investigated. But rest assured, the President wants to get to the bottom of this. This being the chili of course.

QUESTION: But the investigation hasn't started yet! You can talk before the investigation starts, can't you?

MCCLELLAN: Absolutely not. The prosecutors overseeing the investigation had expressed a preference to us to not comment on investigations.

QUESTION: That's just a preference though!

MCCLELLAN: It's a very absolute preference that we not comment on any potential future investigations.

QUESTION: Potential future investigations? That could be anything! And you've certainly answered questions about "potential future investigations" before!

MCCLELLAN: Says who?

QUESTION: Well, I have the New York Times here that says ...

MCCLELLAN: The New York Times is now under investigation.

QUESTION: Scott, this is ridiculous. The notion that you’re going to stand before us, after having commented with that level of detail, and tell people watching this that somehow you’ve decided not to talk.
You’ve got a public record out there. Do you stand by your remarks from that podium or not?

MCCLELLAN: I appreciate the skepticism, but the President simply wants to get to the bottom of .... things.

QUESTION: What sort of things?

MCCLELLAN: Things under investigation of course. Look, we know each other very well. And I can assure you that they'll be answered at the appropriate time.

QUESTION: And when is that?

MCCLELLAN: I'll tell you when the time is right.

QUESTION: But you just said--

MCCLELLAN: I’m well aware, like you, of what was previously said. And I will be glad to talk about it at the appropriate time. The appropriate time is when the investigation…

QUESTION: (inaudible) when it’s appropriate and when it’s inappropriate?

MCCLELLAN: If you’ll let me finish.

QUESTION: No, you’re not finishing. You’re not saying anything. You're just standing there at the podium trying to justify the salary you earn and the lobbying contacts you have via a horrendously corrupt party epitomized by Karl Rove, a man who would murder your children if he could get away with it and the rewards were high enough, but you're going to continue to defend him because of some misguided sense of loyalty to a political machine instead of the principles that machine should stand for. So don't play games with us. Are you going to tell the truth or are you going to make up investigations until the fat lady sings?

MCCLELLAN: The fat lady is under investigation.