I’ve come to the conclusion that the art of getting free food is ageist, especially in the evening. What else do overworked interns do but hit up the happy hours and throw back a few to, you know, “take in D.C.’s culture.” Yeah, that’s crap. I tried taking my not-yet-of-age charm to the DC Kastlestennis team post-match party at the Park after to work to enjoy an “open bar and free hors d'oeuvres,” but no amount of sweet talking could win over the bar owner whose liquor license was in jeopardy. Poor, hungry, naïve intern. But how do you expect me to get free dinner when all anyone does around here is drink? 

Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements? Err, free meals?

I don’t get discouraged that easily because I’ve had to face a lot of adversity in my life and know how to persevere—I lost the 5th grade spelling bee, my mom thinks liking girls is a phase and M.I.A. retired. 

On to plan B: 

Apparently, the latest target of gentrification is a quaint little area of Chinatown where the new DuMont condos are being built. Today marked the unveiling of three new model homes in the complex, open for touring and potential bidding, but only to the wealthiest of the wealthy. I obviously have no intention of renting a new condo because, well, I live with my parents and nothing beats home-cooked Indian food. Still, my good friend Tanya and I decided to channel the L Word and act like we were truly interested in looking for a new home together and assured the perky coordinators we’d go on a tour. The reward for posing as pretentious, poised-and-ready gentrifiers who, “Never have to even touch the poor again?” The most deliciously swanky spread of cocktail hors d'oeuvres and an open bar that made any drink of your choice; I don't even know what it is, but maybe a Seven and Seven? Of course, Campus Progress doesn’t condone underage drinking, so even though they didn’t card me (I guess I make a damn convincing high-powered lesbian) I steered clear of that beer. The food, on the other hand, was by no means off-limits and I triumphantly snagged a sample off of every bow tie-clad waiter’s tray: beef tartar on radicchio leaf, lobster samosas, shrimp cocktail with a grey poupon sauce, mini biscuits with gorgonzola and sprig of parsley and a mini quiche with roasted red peppers and cheese.My mouth still salivates just thinking about it. Okay, not the meat appetizers—I picked around the meat a little bit—but regardless. Heaven on earth. 

Don’t think my free dinner stopped there—there’s no way I can live off of food made for ants. Earlier today I subscribed to California Tortilla’s mailing list and received a coupon for a free taco (score) and took it back to Bethesda for my final free feast. To my initial excitement then disappointment, I noticed that July 15 happens to be “kids eat free day” for kids under 10. Again with ageist! No worries, I was able to talk the cashier into giving me a free kidsadilla from the kids’ menu for free too.  I go to bed now with not a crumb of purchased food in my belly and a smile on my face.