I have a problem with theater. Namely, I hate it. I like the idea of theater, and I’d like to not hate it, but I just don’t know how. Every once in a while I’ll give it another try, hoping that something will click and I’ll come out with a newfound appreciation for the arts, a glimpse of its raison d’etre, a deeper insight into the soul of man and beast. Usually I end up in an uncontrollable rage.

I remember liking a production of Sweeney Todd that my high school put on. And I saw The Tempest at the Old Vic with Derek Jacobi as Prospero, which was good as well. And I totally bawled at Rent on Broadway (so lame, I know). Aside from these, I can’t think of other examples of theater I’ve genuinely enjoyed. Does anyone else have this problem?

Like last night, for instance, I went to see the Pabst and Popcorn Hour presentation of the “Tragedy of Dr. Faustus” at the DC Center for the Arts as part of the Capitol Fringe Festival. Going in, it already had two strikes against it: A) the theater bit, and B) the popcorn bit. I also hate popcorn. In high school I worked at the AMC Town Center in Leawood, KS, enduring daily scaldings at the hands of a demonic popcorn maker. You had to watch that fucker like the boiler at the Overlook; it would creep, and creep, and then explode, and you’d be covered in boiling oil, screaming and running in circles as your face dripped off. Even now, the smell of popcorn always makes me a little ill.

But I was willing to forgive all this to just drink all the PBR I wanted for $10. I have to admit, I laughed at times, like when a demon impersonates Dubya, or during the various references to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But most of the time I spent shielding my eyes and twitching. My problem is that I get intensely embarrassed for the actors. It’s the same reason I can’t watch Curb Your Enthusiasm. Larry David is hilarious, I know this. But I just cringe and want to yell out loud, “Stop it! You’re making everyone uncomfortable!”

Most everyone else seemed to be having a good time, however, so I would half-recommend it on that account. There are only a few more shows scheduled for this weekend, so catch it while you can. For more info, visit http://www.damnedfaust.com/.

If, however, like me, you’d rather eat a steaming pile of dick cancer than go to the theater, you might check out the following going on around town:

Rock Prom with the Dance Party @ the Cat – Friday

Garage Sale @ Arena Stage (a theater, egads! don’t worry, no performance involved) – Saturday

d.c. space benefit @ 9:30 club – Sunday

I’ll be in NYC, avoiding theater at all costs.