After almost a year of squealing at the rats that scurry throughout DC, I instinctively squirm at the sound of any furred-four legged creature rustling in the shadows.  It’s always a little embarrassing when the beast turns out to be nothing but a harmless squirrel.  Yet, in DC and other cities, it appears the vermin’s fluffy-tailed cousin might be something worth shrieking over.

 

A visiting friend of mine recently documented her assault by a DC squirrel on her camera phone.  I was surprised to receive a cryptic text message while at work containing a photo of an unhinged squirrel with a zigzagged tail madly licking a food wrapper.  The minor crime which started with a fight over an ice cream sandwich and ended with some small scratches took place on the President’s Park, behind the White House.

 

Apparently, according to urban legend, DC squirrels have been speculated as being, quite literally, on crack.  London tabloids have written extensively on the subject, “…Crack squirrels are recognized phenomena in the US.  They are known to live in parks frequented by addicts in New York and Washington DC.”  The tabloids claim that it is a result of squirrels coming across the crack stashes that crack heads are hiding in front lawns. 

More likely, the crazed and vicious nature of these and other city squirrels is a result of idiot tourists confusing urban parks with their county fair’s petting zoo.  Tourists need to know that feeding squirrels is not the urban equivalent to throwing bread at some clueless ducks.  Though bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, they are still golden members of the rodent family.  When they are regularly fed, they are worse than a rat on crack.

 

If the tourists themselves were the only victims, it wouldn’t be a concern—but instead they have subjected anyone who wants to enjoy a quiet lunch in the park to the wrath of an entire population of aggressively self-entitled squirrels.   

The only other reasonable explanation is that our president stashes crack in the White House lawn.  Wait until The Register gets a hold of that.