I have to echo Susan. When I was 24, or 34, for that matter, marriage seemed a distant land. And as a man, nice society tells us to "keep your options open"- aka, play the field. But something happens when you get older- you're not as interested in being as experimental in your social life. You figure out what you like and don't like. This is a natural result of being a series of relationships that end: you learn from them, and you add to your list of what you want in a mate things like: "must be a good communicator," "must like my family," "must have goals in life," or even "must be into downhill skiing," etc.

This seems like a good thing- you gain experience, you learn more about yourself, about your likes and dislikes. But, of course, the longer the list, the smaller the dating pool. So while finding someone that you like to spend time with seems easier when you're 24, it gets harder 10 years later. Other people that age also have longer lists. As you get older, you don't have things like school or group living to make it easy to meet people. So: fewer opportunities to meet single people + the fact that the people you do meet are more particular, as are you = much harder to hook up in a meaningful way.

The interesting thing is that Gottleib and others say we're settling. Well, don't happily married couples also settle, em, every day? But we call that compromise. A friend of mine, Jen, who married at 26, and now has 3 kids- I asked her after our 20th high school reunion- did she think I was too picky? "No," she said, "you just know more." When she married, all that mattered was that she liked S and that he was Jewish. She says, "I've found out now that S wants to save more, I want to save less. So we'll work it out." This is called compromise.

A single person in their 30s and 40s might say, "Well this new person is not tall enough (or not smart/ambitious/pretty enough, etc.), so... I don't think it's going to work," and will move on to find someone else. Maybe next time, the single person will say, "Hm, being too short maybe isn't that important." And we call this settling.

I guess the difference is that in compromise, you're continuing to set the stage for something in return. Jen and her husband S compromise to save more than she wants but less than he wants. And that's progress- and trust, and a deepening of their bond. And in the meantime, they're getting on with their life of being a family, raising their kids, making good memories for everyone. The single person compromises... with her/himself- and what does that give him or her? Maybe that's the big difference.

If you want to be in a lifelong union, sometimes figuring that out inadvertently becomes the organizing principle in your life- as if you have no other goal. Once you do figure it out, you can move onto other things, and let other aspects of your life unfold and evolve as they should. And that's a good thing.