Today, conservative think-tanks Conservatives for Patients’ Rights and FreedomWorks unveiled what they see as a promising response to President Obama’s plan for health care overhaul. The user-friendly initiative, still in its beginning stages, is an iPhone application intended to give Americans impersonal access to quality health care.

“Now, Americans won’t need comprehensive health care reform,” FreedomWorks Chairman and former House Majority Leader Dick Armey concluded after extensive meetings with rich, publicly insured conservative legislators.

“We realized that our ‘Don’t get sick!’ plan was a bit insensitive, so we partnered with Apple and WebMD to propose something for the common folk,” proudly stated Rick Scott, a Conservatives for Patients’ Rights spokesman.

The U.S. Chamber of Commerce supports the effort. “It’s totally consistent with free-market ideology. Therefore, it’s totally frickin’ rad and gonna fix stuff good! Ipso facto!” the U.S. Chamber of Commerce praised in a press statement issued earlier today.

The free application, which is still in development, will ostensibly analyze a user’s symptoms to determine a narrow set of potential diseases. To cover the costs of providing the service, the application will bludgeon the user with a series of obnoxious advertisements.

“For example, if you have a sore throat, an ad for Tropicana orange juice will pop up. Fatigue? How about a Monster energy drink?” Apple CEO Steve Jobs explained in a press conference earlier today.

FreedomWorks and Conservatives for Patients’ Rights hope lawmakers will adopt their idea into their final heath care reform plan. The application, believed to placate the nation’s 50 million angry uninsured, is expected to drive hoards of people willing to settle for less to the polls in support of conservative, government-hating candidates in 2010. The hope: big gains for right-wingers, a group desperately trying to reconnect with people in a hip, new way.

“If there’s one thing people love, it’s the technological substitution of a basic human need. For example, TV for friends, Twitter for conversation, or an electric car for moral substance. After noticing this, it was really just a matter of time,” Armey explained.

FreedomWorks leaders say their plan will stop any effort for a government-run public option dead in its tracks. “Capitalism rules, socialism drools,” Armey bellowed.

The user is expected to already have an iPhone. “What kind of a loser doesn’t already have an iPhone?!” Armey asked incredulously.

Program developers expect the application to be available sometime before Christmas.