Day 3 of Campus Progress’s Free Food-A-Thon started off with all three contestants hitting the pavement hard even with a code red air quality warning. Lolloping Laura Perez used her hot new wheels to traverse the city’s cavernous road ways, but to no avail, proving the point that seeking free food without a plan merely leaves you famished.

A true battle was brewing, however, between Avarice Ashley Wiers and Nicholle “McManners” Manners. McManners came prepared with several costume changes to boot to get into every last high-powered conference, cocktail hour, and celebrity gala around. Remembering the lesson that conservatives always feed their own kind with lavish spreads and ostentatious displays, McManners grabbed a bountiful breakfast at The Heritage Foundation and was about to mosey to the exit when she accidentally ended up having a VIP breakfast at the Capital Hilton with the speakers from the event.

Avarice Ashley was slow out of the gate by the sickness of summer but still nabbed a bagel from the ritzy Ritz. She made up for it though with a 3-course luncheon at the National Press Club featuring “tender asparagus, steaming pea risotto, and herb-roasted chicken,” not to mention the most savory chocolate cake this side of the Potomac. McManners was foiled by Avarice’s punctual Press Club stop and decided it just wasn’t worth it anymore, stopping at McDonald’s to thoroughly enjoy a satisfying and cheap (though not free) lunch.

Nicholle may have the last laugh though with Avarice Ashley’s victory. The final now includes three compatriots who will have to fight for the last cheese Danish, plate of chicken fettuccine Alfredo, and slice of chocolate cheesecake in a rumble sure to break the bonds of friendship. One more contestant will join Avarice Ashley, Nick “Pastry” Pastan, and Hardeeharhar Aditi in Tuesday’s final. Stay tuned for today’s events…