The crusade pushing for the constitutional ban on flag burning rests on two very strong foundations: the tide of popular opinion and basic linguistics. Before the Supreme Court's 1989 Texas vs. Johnson decision to protect the rights of arsonists and over-zealous protesters everywhere, most states, as well as the federal government had flag-protection laws on the books. Here the American people agreed as on few other issues: our flag must stand strong and untouched as a symbol of all that is Great about Our Country.

Saussure would have liked the American people. At least as far as the flag goes, we are content to stand our ground over the basic relationship of signifier and signified, bound neatly together into our national sign and symbol.

The flag waves slowly in the breeze. There it stands: Justice; Freedom; The American Way. The physical cloth and the ethereal concepts join in holy theoretical union to stand for...America. It's been an occasionally bumpy but long-lasting marriage, and much energy has gone into keeping this country whole. Of course the flag is a tempting object to destroy in protest: basic physics tells us that the 200+ years of conservered energy stored in that flag should flare up brilliantly and dramatically.

But as so many after Saussure have argued, it's just not that simple. Beyond all the vague personal associations and dubious meanings the American flag can take on, another signficance must be attached to the flag, the fore-runner of all things big, bold and multi-national about the country we love. Any flag, but especially the American flag serves not only as the symbol of national pride, but as a brand name that flags our soldiers, leaders and policies for our loyal consumers. As a brand name, our product, after 9/11 and Iraq is under considerable pressure right now, and the Bush Administration might do well to hire a crackerjack marketing team to restore its brand health.

Perhaps a consulting team would advise a ban on flag-burning. In its own way, however, burning a flag at least respects and harnesses the full force of the symbol. Not everyone can claim that. Which is why I propose that in addition to banning flag burning, the Congress considers tacking on an provision to the Amendment that also bans the following Top Five Flame-Retardant Ways to Desecrate the Flag:

1. The Bowtie

2. The Shoes

3. The Male and Female Undergarments

4. The Patriotic Bug Gem

5. And all of this for good measure.

Destruction is certainly not the worst form of disrespect.